Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
