I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
where are my eyebrows?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize