Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
3pm strippers are depressing
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize