I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
