I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize