peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I didn't notice because vodka
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
