Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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