Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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