Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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