Im at strip club and am horny
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
