Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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