one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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