I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
