Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
