i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
