Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize