where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
