my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
