i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
