Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i think i have two assholes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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