When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dignity is for republicans.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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