I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
