So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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