On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
