i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
