she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
