Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
