i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
