I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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