I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
do nipples grow back?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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