Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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