After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
