Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
