That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
