Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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