she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
