all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
