Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
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