I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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