my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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