even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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