Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
