Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
