The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
