Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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