yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
