Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
