I should be sponsored by Trojan
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
