so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
