his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
