Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
