I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
