girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
