There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
