I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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