whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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