I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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