one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
